Ivan Carswell
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Igorevich
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Location: Peachester, QLD, Australia
|  | Seven Cockerels
« Thread Started on Sept 12, 2008, 4:18pm » | |
seven cockerels combed
and plumed – wattled
bright in morning sun
– except for one
as others strut this
one demurs apart
and shy suspiciously
I wonder why
perhaps a pullet in
disguise – picked by
youthful size and
culled to rear apart
it’s time to make
amends and right the
wrong before the hen
asserts (or egg is laid)
she’ll be removed, join
laying hens beyond the
cockerel’s run – back where
we raised the brood
we’ll be repaid a thousand
times if she reverts to stable
ways; her peers reduced
to six are barely phased
© 9 September 2008, I. D. Carswell
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Bernard Alain
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poetry is an ink blot
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,532
| | Re: Seven Cockerels
« Reply #1 on Sept 12, 2008, 8:31pm » | |
liking this Ivan, I'm going to send it up to the gallery as well, I think you should break up the form on this a bit though, something less regular in text shape may have more appeal, nonetheless it stands on it's own as is
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Ivan Carswell
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Igorevich
Joined: Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 924
Location: Peachester, QLD, Australia
| | Re: Seven Cockerels
« Reply #2 on Sept 12, 2008, 11:39pm » | |
I had wondered, but the poem chose that form during construction (at least the first two strophes did!) so I let it ride... How about this then...
Seven Cockerels
seven cockerels combed and plumed –
wattled bright in morning sun
– except for one
as others strut this one demurs apart
and shy suspiciously – I wonder why
perhaps a pullet in disguise – picked by
youthful size and culled to rear apart
it’s time to make amends and right
the wrong before the hen asserts
(or egg is laid) she’ll be removed, join
laying hens beyond the cockerel’s run –
back where we raised the brood
we’ll be repaid a thousand times if
she reverts to stable ways;
her peers reduced to six
are barely phased
© 9 September 2008, I. D. Carswell
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|
Bernard Alain
Administrator
member is offline
poetry is an ink blot
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,532
| | Re: Seven Cockerels
« Reply #3 on Sept 13, 2008, 3:20pm » | |
myself I think it is better Ivan, form should try to complement the content as well as the conversation, quatrains et al seem so overdone these days and to some degree may limit the expression, for most I think it's just a matter of breaking out of a rut or habit
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