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Post by Ivan Carswell on Jul 22, 2007 0:01:54 GMT -5
Oh, so familiar this smile on your face, the crinkled corners of your sparkling eyes – it is no surprise the curves of your lips displace my verisimilitude.
There is no space for angst or cracking discontent, your smile was meant to mend fences where raw anger had rendered their sad state of disrepair.
Again I am consumed with a love tuned to your smile, the air of it, the wear of it etched unrepentantly in the sheer magnanimity of you.
How utterly you beguile! © I.D. Carswell 2007
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Post by Bernard Alain on Jul 22, 2007 3:17:46 GMT -5
liking this a lot Ivan, there is something about the tone of this write that has appeal, 'verisimilitude' is tricky on the meter for me, and probably most, I might recommend a playful twist to introduce a more stated stress on second syllable of'veri', possibly a coupled combination like 'very-similitude', silly but it works, in S2 - L4 you don't need 'had' or 'their', I suggest this primarily because of the use of 'where' as opposed to 'when' in the previous line, but all rather small nits Ivan, I enjoyed the read.
thanks for sharing.
Bernie
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Post by Dunstan Attard on Jul 22, 2007 4:30:53 GMT -5
this poem captures the beauty of surrender in love with delicate ease...i searched for the key words that managed to bring to this reader this sensation in a form that is so alive...so familiar...a smile that the author knows and that the reader knows ... crinkled corners / sparkling eyes, so sweet a contrast observing the detail as to portray the depth of devotion ... your smile meant to mend the sad state of disrepair of fences...this devotion does not dream it has lived the pain of love... consumed says it all...yet a slave to an irresistable smile that beguiles and holds captive rather than safely embracing ones vulnerability...enjoyed this expression thanks
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Post by Ivan Carswell on Jul 22, 2007 5:29:50 GMT -5
Bernie, thanks for the ID on verisimilitude - I'm still thinking it through. I knew way back when it would jar - but back then I intended it to. The superlfuous pronouns you mention were a half forgotten intention to edit out - but I think they were left to create more metric impact in the the lines. Food for thought though.
Dunstan. Thanks. You put your finger right on the reason for the poem - stating it better than I did. Rgds, Ivan
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Post by Ivan Carswell on Aug 27, 2007 16:37:22 GMT -5
Tinkering presented problems I don't seem to have resolved... What do you reckon?
How Utterely You Beguile Oh, so familiar the smile on your face, it is no surprise your lips narrate a fulsome grace which radiates from avid eyes
There is no space for angst or cracking discontent, your smile was meant to mend fences where raw anger rendered a sad state of disrepair.
Again, I am consumed with a love tuned to your smile, the air of it, the wear of it etched unrepentantly in the sheer magnanimity of you.
How utterly you beguile!
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Post by Bernard Alain on Aug 30, 2007 20:16:10 GMT -5
Ivan this is a very nice piece, the tone is great, (from this reader's point of view) 'verisimilitude' was a mouthful in the original, the rest was ok to me but I like also like the direction you are taking as well with the revision.
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