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Post by Don Schaeffer on Jul 10, 2009 18:51:30 GMT -5
Although she remains as a small changing wavelet through which the particles pass,
everything around her flows away, all the material nuggets.
I can't bring tokens of a home she can't connect again.
Even the molecules of her lifetime scatter.
(original)
Although she remains as a small changing wavelet through which the particles pass,
everything around her flows away, all the material nuggets.
I can't bring tokens of a home to which she won't return.
Molecules of her lifetime scatter.
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Post by scriptamanent on Jul 11, 2009 4:33:22 GMT -5
absolutely brilliant!
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Post by Don Schaeffer on Jul 11, 2009 5:16:46 GMT -5
Thanks Nicoletta. Do you think its better without the last verse.
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Post by Dunstan Attard on Jul 11, 2009 14:36:29 GMT -5
imo possibly sounds better with the last verse, but does read better in the revised original. Yes the revised version is first rate.
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Post by scriptamanent on Jul 11, 2009 14:52:04 GMT -5
Both are excellent, hope this is good news because for me it would be difficult to decide which one to keep.
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Post by Don Schaeffer on Jul 11, 2009 17:19:48 GMT -5
i blush aftger reading the laast verse. That's a sign that it says too much.
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