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Post by inchiki on Jan 4, 2010 2:30:26 GMT -5
Shooting off into the dark art chart part with a lanky lumberjack vagabond nose in a blue jinxed disaster car dashless on great unfortunate wheels one flawless fall that put a cigarette hole in my India blanket. Wanderlust took it and us into a vacuole of blue sky peppered with squirrel trees for a weekend alone, we two, alone by an ill sea whose guts had been brought up on the sand by a storm. The stink permeated everything. We lit a fire got drunk and writhed with frustrated dreams. Later I walked alone along the perimeter of the ocean a cue ball of desire bulging in my pocket to find rocks to smash my egg on, hard by a dead sting-ray lying upturned - mucousy - a lump of tripe. I filmed you clambering up a promontory in black and white by soundless surf - scarfed explorers clutching vials of wine we had stayed out past closing time and i think we were senseless to the stenches of my hopes fusting while yours grew but these are the things that the ocean will do to you
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Post by inchiki on Jan 4, 2010 2:36:03 GMT -5
i'm a bit nervous about posting this, i think it needs something but i've been tinkering for ages and i think i need advice. the main problem i think is that many of the references are too obscure -- it's a poem about a trip to the coast with a friend. the title is a play on the friends name and also a reference to the 'guts' of the ocean (seaweed) brought up by the storm. the lanky vagabond is me. dark art chart part is a reference to the camping, ie maps plus the possibility of something forbidden. 'smash my egg on' probably make sense (?) (maybe guys you recognize) & soundless surf ie 8mm film with no sound. finally the last line, sort of weak, tails off; but this is intended i just can't see if it works as i've been too close to it. also i invented the word fusting from 'fust'.
anyway, fire away.
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Post by leecrowell on Jan 4, 2010 20:01:36 GMT -5
Inchiki this is the best poem you've posted here. The additional comments do nothing for me other than detract from your purpose. I want to read the poem and develop my own thoughts about it. Keep up the great work.
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Post by inchiki on Jan 5, 2010 4:57:10 GMT -5
well thanks for that.
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Post by Ivan Carswell on Jan 7, 2010 14:14:55 GMT -5
Having survived the first line - a feast of assonance which takes some digesting (perhaps rephrasing it to:
Shooting off into the dark art chart part with a lanky lumberjack vagabond nose in a blue jinxed disaster car ) might break the effect...
But from thereon it draws one in. Yes, some obscure references, however like Lee, I'd rather draw my own conclusions from the rich, eccentric imagery presented.
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Post by Bernard Alain on Jan 7, 2010 20:00:23 GMT -5
inchiki I enjoyed the read, the images are great and peak the imagination. If I was to comment on anything here it would be the use of 'Later', maybe too prosey as the chronological position of (n) changes and the rest alludes faithfully, I would also use a line break at this point as well, nice work
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Post by inchiki on Jan 11, 2010 5:36:15 GMT -5
thanks again everyone for your comments.. i will digest them and make any edits that seem right.. a change in form may well be in order. i'm still not sure about 'fusting'..
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