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Post by Don Schaeffer on May 12, 2010 8:01:32 GMT -5
In the previously populated house, ghosted by persons still living, "alone" bounces against the damaged doors. "Alone" crouches under couches. Accidents Speak.
(original version)
In the previously populated house,
"one! one!" bounces on damaged doors.
"one! one!" crouches under couches. Accidents speak.
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Post by Nick Harris on May 12, 2010 8:39:53 GMT -5
I love the assonance (is that the word?) of this one. It's brilliant in that respect but I think I need a little more info to totally understand the very personal nature of this poem. Is "one! one!" the score of a football game? And, what was the accident? I don't know what transcona is. I should look it up. Oh, I see - it's a working class neighborhood in Winnipeg. Has there been a divorce? Are you alone in this house watching a ball game? I love the idea of a divorce being an accident but I just don't know. Please fill me in. Otherwise, it's a beautiful and sparse use of words, imagery, and emotion. Lee's "blues" poem was great, too but this one shows the power of being laconic. His tells a story full of color and sound. Yours paints a picture in shades of gray. Both are powerful in their own ways. Cheers - I'm proud to be a part of this forum.
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Post by Don Schaeffer on May 12, 2010 20:35:34 GMT -5
I am moving to New York and my wife is in a nursing home. When I visit I stay alone in our family home. The house cries "one! One!" to me. And noises seem to speak.
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Post by Bernard Alain on May 12, 2010 21:10:58 GMT -5
don I like this, it's gotta be the highway your talking about ... just gotta be, up she goes
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Post by Don Schaeffer on May 13, 2010 0:47:56 GMT -5
Thanks Bernie.
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Post by Nick Harris on May 13, 2010 7:28:33 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you, Don. Best of luck.
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Post by Don Schaeffer on May 13, 2010 11:22:22 GMT -5
thanks Nick
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Post by leecrowell on May 13, 2010 16:47:29 GMT -5
in the second version (labeled 'original') I see 'accidents' as a character shouting out: 'one, one' as he observes 'alone' bouncing off the walls and hiding under the couch
the first version is less abstract, and works well with the simple state of mind I'm usually defaulted to
you have once again achieved your goal of forcing me into deeper thought
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